A note on suicide

I was deeply saddened by the news of Chester Bennington’s dead last week. Many people from my generation grew up listening to Linkin Park. I was one of them. Their music was always able to touch the heart and somehow made us feel understood and accepted.

R.I.P. Chester

Leave Out All The Rest (Official Video) – Linkin Park

Of course, I felt incredibly sad for the talent that the world lost on the 20th of July.

But the reason I felt more affected by Chester’s dead than that of any other famous artist that I adored is the fact that it was a suicide. The thoughts of suicide come to the mind of many people around the world, especially those affected by mental health problems. Suicide is becoming a leading cause of death in many countries. And I believe that this comes only to show how desperate many people feel, how unattended their needs are and that it does not really matter whether you are rich or poor, successful or not, married or not. It can happen to anyone.

This month was not the best for me. It started out bad and it continued to be a rough patch on my journey to recovery from chronic anxiety, panic attacks and childhood trauma.

I personally had some very strong thoughts of suicide at the beginning of the month.

Heavy (Official Video) – Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara)

It got so dark that I was sure that there is no way out. I was trying so hard to see the situation from a different angle but I failed over and over again. My mind was stuck, my demons were winning the fight, they were very close to me pushing me against the wall with no space to move and no air to breathe. I was drowning…

I knew that I could break down the wall but I did not have any more energy left. I was thinking that the only way out was to kill myself. I felt so guilty that my family was trying so hard to help me and to make me feel good in the moment, but my mind was in a blur and I could not fully engage with them, nor appreciate their efforts. I was thinking ‘I am such a bad person. You are trying so hard and you do not even know that the only thing I am thinking of is the best way to kill myself.’

But then my angels came to the rescue… One night I was dreaming about everything I have here and everything that I won’t be able to have on the other side. I was dreaming about the dues that I have to pay and the heartache that I have to go through. Heartache that suicide won’t save me from. I was dreaming about this pain that will haunt me forever, deeply engraved into my soul, until I am ready to face it and get over it. My angels showed me that there are certain things you cannot escape. It might seem that there is no way out and that the only way out is to kill yourself, but actually the only way out is to face the demons and work to make them irrelevant. The only way to live in peace ever is to go through whatever awful thing you have to go through until you reach the other side.

I know it is hard. Oh God this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through – to face my demons, to find the energy to fight them, to admit my flaws and to be totally vulnerable. But the feeling I get after the storm is over and I am still breathing and I feel a little bit better than before, because some more pain is offloaded, is so worth living for.

Numb (Official Video) – Linkin Park

My current mental health problems are related to childhood traumas and it is a very tricky business getting out of something like that. If you are anything like me, you will first try to bottle it all up and never let it out, you will strive for a place and a time where your brain is so busy that you do not have the time to be alone with yourself and you will constantly search for the easy way out – something that can numb the pain and you can blissfully continue to live in a lie.

But the truth is there is no easy way out – this is not how life works. There is only one way out and it is a very tough path.

Childhood traumas are so bad, because you are not developed enough as a child to be able to deal with them, so you develop a lot of safety behaviours and own ideas of reality instead. And these behaviours and ideas become so ingrained into your mind that there is nothing else. One may spend their whole life living this lie and never understanding why everything is so messed up in their head.

You feel so bad inside that nothing that is actually happening on the outside can ever make you happy. There is this blur in your head and you might be very successful or you might have a loving family, but you are not able to feel the happiness. You know that it exists and that you should be happy, but you are not.

And when sooner or later push comes to shove and you have to start facing your demons, you have to put an enormous amount of energy and strength into breaking all of this stigma you created yourself. You start recovering. But recovery has many ups and downs and during one of those downs many people feel that this never ending nightmare will be forever, that there won’t be any more ups.

Linkin Park Performs “One More Light”

This is exactly how I felt at the beginning of this month. But if you find just a little bit more strength, you will get over it. I am sure. I have always thought that suicide is some sort of an answer and that it will put me out of my misery. But this is not true. This pain that lives inside of me, it will still be there in my next life if I do not face it all now. Thank God my angels were there for me and sent me this dream that made me realise the truth.

Please do not ever forget to at least try to talk to someone if you are ever feeling this hopeless.

There is always a way out of every situation. I hope your angels are always there for you to guide you.

You are special and the world needs you! There is a reason you are here! Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever stop fighting for yourself.

I pray that you all find peace and happiness in your life.

As always thank you, guys, for reading.

Lots of love xx

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