It has been too long since my last blogpost and I am very sorry about that. My life has been a total mess and a terrifying rollercoaster all at once in the past couple of months. I wanted to write to you and share with you what I have been going through but my insecurities constantly got in the way. Even right now I feel utterly terrified to be writing this…
Probably I should explain a bit more. I grew up thinking that I am unlovable, that I do not deserve anything good coming my way and that I cannot trust anyone, literally anyone even God. I still have all these issues and they have been a contributing factor to my anxiety disorder. That’s why, I find it extremely hard to be around other people, to share with people, to trust that other people won’t judge me or betray me somehow. I am trying very hard to shift that and to trust that not everyone is out to get me.
However, at times like this, when my whole world is upside down and my whole support system is somewhat shattered, I lose complete control over my thoughts and my anxiety takes over. Every irrational feeling, every safety behaviour, every survival instinct kicks in and takes control. They try to save me from the outside world whilst destroying my inner world. I become so much of an introvert that I cannot accept even in front of myself how I am actually feeling and how badly scared I am that there is no one to help me, I am all alone in my own personal hell. Hell, that I have created for myself, that my own body created trying to save me from deep emotional pain that somebody caused me as a child. Mental illness is somewhat ironic – you are hurt by the world (mostly) so your body tries to save you from the pain by creating sensations, thoughts and emotions that actually result in more pain.
I definitely think that our bodies are amazing machines that are never wrong in trying to protect us and heal us. Then why do they fail so spectacularly in healing us from emotional pain?! Were people better thousands of years ago when human bodies were created? Have we evolved into some sort of monsters that cause each other tremendous pain accidentally?! Or was this the point all along?! A good point for thoughts…
Anyway, going back to my previous rambles… I could not really share with you, guys, when I could not even be honest with myself. I was afraid of sharing, I was afraid of writing something that is far from perfect, I was afraid of being myself with anyone, from being rejected and being misunderstood.
Starting this blog was a challenge to myself to be open and honest not only with myself but with the outside world as well. It has been utterly amazing to receive positive feedback, likes and comments and I have enjoyed doing it no matter how challenging until I fell back into the depths of anxiety.
Today I am starting over and no matter how much my hands are shaking writing this I want to be doing it. I want to learn to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to share with you guys, I want for us to be a part of each other’s lives.
So I am back … I do not know for how long, I cannot promise you anything, I will always try and do my best, but we all sometimes fall and that is completely normal. We fall and get back up again.
I am back and I will be honoured to share my journey with you all.
Be happy, be healthy, be blessed!
Lots of love xx